Meeting Jesus, The Story of JFC

[Spiritwolf]

Meeting Jesus, The Story of JFC
I'm sure you've heard of JFK, I'm sure you've heard of KFC but I KNOW you've not met JFC!

Now you may wonder just what I mean by "meeting Jesus". Some people use that phrase to mean death or murder of themselves or of somebody else.

I met JFC at the end of May/beginning of June on an excursion through the field, on my way to the woods to let some newly developed toadlets loose and to the creek to get some algae mats for the tadpoles I'd been raising (I rescued them from a pool of flood water in the field when the puddle started drying up )
While on my way across the field, I was suddenly and unexpectedly introduced to JFC. In fact, I didn't even see JFC until he (later I determined that JFC is actually a SHE) made a sudden movement right by my foot, in an endeavor to keep from being stepped on.
I immediately became intrigued when JFC caught my attention by moving and also decided to do him a favor by beating the mower to him (someone was mowing the field with a big tractor mower, not that far from where JC was.) I also decided to bring JFC home with me, determine JFC's species with my id books (I already was about 90 percent sure of what JFC was, but wanted to verify it). I always carry some containers with me when I go to the woods. So Steve Irwin style, I decided to practice the improved catching techniques I've learned by watching Animal Planet.

Swiftly, I grabbed JFC by the tail and picked him up. I can verify that when picked up by the tail, these creatures are deprived of most of their power. By this personal experience, I learned that this technique does work very well.

I proceeded to handle JFC a bit, checking him/her out, while I held him/her just behind the head and supported JFC's body with a stick. Then I placed JFC into the cloth bag, after which I proceeded on my way back to carrying out my intended toadlet release mission.

After releasing the toadlets in a nice damp area under a bunch of dead leaves, near the creek, I was on my way back.

Rarely ever do I see other humans in the woods. Occasionally someone or a couple will be out riding a 4-wheel ATV out there, there's a guy that goes riding a mowing tractor out there (while also always carrying a beer in his right hand and drinking the beer), and a few times I've seen a guy who lives in the area, back there alone smoking his pot.

This time was different. For the first time, I ran across a group of young guys back there smoking pot. I don't know where they were from, if they were guests of someone who lives in the area, workers from the nearby factories or what. Anyway, my habit upon meeting people back there is to be politely friendly while remaining alert and on guard at the same time. (I lately have usually also been carrying a big thick stick, not for protection but for snagging algae mats from the creek because most of the creek banks are steep and slickly muddy. With a large stick, I can snag algae safely from the top of the creek bank.) This time, I didn't carry the stick with me after I'd gotten algae because I was carrying the bag with JFC in it instead.

One of the guys moved into my path and asked "where you going little girl?"
I replied that I had just released some baby toads back to the woods and was just out there studying nature, reading tracks, etc.
The man then asked "wanna join us, wanna party with us?"
I said "No thanks, Ive gotta get back, I've got some things that I need to get home and take care of as soon as possible."
The guy proceeded to ask, "hey whatcha got in that bag?"
I said" Nothing interesting, not pot or anything like that."
He then asked" may I take a peek?
I replied "I don't think you'd want to get your face too close to that bag."
Whereupon one of the guy's buddies said to him, "Go ahead, check it out, maybe there's something in there that will bite your head off."
The guy asked again, "Come on, let me see whats in there, Its not going to hurt anything."
The guy proceeded to reach his hand out, and I said as he did so, "Ok, let me show you what's in there."
I looked in the bag and then reached in carefully.
The guy asked "What have you got in there that you're afraid to get it out yourself without having to look for?"
I said "I'm not afraid, just making sure of what I'm doing."
The guy, obviously more curious than ever, said "What?"
By that time, I had a hold on JFC's tail, and I picked up a nearby stick.
The guy asked me "What the hell do you need a stick for?" (He did NOT say this aggressively, but out of obvious habit of using such phrases in normal conversation.)
Then I lifted JFC out of the bag.

The guy was standing pretty close to me, and as I lifted JFC out of the bag, JFC, being newly caught and easily panicked, went into defensive aggressive mode. JFC made a lunge in the attempt to protect himself, and as JFC lunged, he also did his best to strike and bite.

JFC's attempted attack passed within millimeters of the guy's crotch.

"JESUS ****ING CHRIST", the guy yelled as he jumped backward. "Damn he damn near took my **** off."
I said "I told you that I didn't have anything in that bag that you'd be interested in, and I told you that you didnt want to get your face or hands too close to that bag, now didn't I?"
He said, "Yes but you didnt tell me you had a goddamn poison snake in there either."
Then he said, "Your snake have a name?"
And I replied, "Yes he has a name, his name is Jesus ****ing Christ, because thats what everyone says when they first meet him.
"Jesus ****ing Christ, " the guy said, at which moment JFC chose to make another lunge and snap toward the guy's crotch area.
"Not only that" I said,"His name also happens to be one of his attack commands. Nice protection dog, don't you think? Small enough to be carried anywhere, and right there when you need him."
"Holy ****," the guy said.
Then one of his buddies decided to rescue him from the conversation by saying, "Hey girl, why don't you take Jesus home and come back and party with us. But please don't bring Jesus back with you. We don't need a ****in poison snake partying with us."
I sweetly replied, "Oh Jesus is my best friend, he goes everywhere with me, I wouldn't dream of leaving him behind at home alone, he would be so sad."
Then I turned and walked on down the path away from the guys. As I left, I heard the guys talking.
"Damn wouldn't want to run into her out here in the dark."
"****, can you imagine what she'd do to you with that ****ing snake if you were in bed with her and pissed her off somehow?"
"**** I'm glad I wasn't ****in wasted when I met her, that ****ing snake would've ****ing bit my **** off."
"Or scored on your balls and made you a ****in freak for life."
"Jesus ****ing christ that girl scared the ****ing **** out of me with that ****ing snake. Who the **** would ever think that some girl out here would be packing ****ing poison snakes with them?"

I was thinking as I kept on walking that JFC turned out to be a very effective guard dog to have with me. I also mused that it was funny that this effective guard dog was only about 24 inches long. I also mused over how little people know about snakes, and how predictably so many people react upon seeing ANY kind of snake. And I also thought, I'm glad people are that way, it made JFC's little show much more effective. Good thing I didn't tell them anything about what kind of snake JFC was, let them think he's poisonous. (Let them exaggerate, better for me if they do!)

When I got home, I checked my books and confirmed that JFC was indeed a garter snake, as I had thought. I also decided that it would be funny to keep his impromptu name and use JC or JFC for short, or call him Jesus if I wanted to ask someone if they want to meet him. Then I looked on the net to find out how to tell if JC was male or female. Comparing JC to illustrations, I found out JC was female.
After that, I put JC into a plastic box with a lid as temporary quarters until I had a more suitable home for her. I set about researching on what kind of cage was the best way to keep garter snakes, got some info, and went and got JC an aquarium with a lid, a bit of sand, a bit of reptile bedding, brought them home, and set JC up in her new home. After I'd had JC 3 days she was still a bit scared of me but tamed down amazingly fast. After the 3rd day she didn't even try to avoid me when I reached into her cage to take her out and hold her and talk to her awhile.
Every day since I got her, first day I just reached in, held her right behind the head, and lifted her only a little and talked to her, then let her go again. Then I lifted her higher, then out of the cage and on the3rd day, while holding her behind the head, I wrapped her body around my arm and carried her a few feet away from the cage. She was looking around and showing interest in her surroundings.

I don't know how long I'll keep JC with me, depends on things such as how well she will eat in captivity. However, if I have to go to the woods again in the afternoon (the time when other people are likely to be out there) I just may take JC along with me. After all, JC has proven how effective she can be as protection if she needed to be, even on the day I first met her and she was as scared of me as she was of anyone else. She even already knew where to aim her strike to get the utmost fear reaction from that guy!
Good thing most people don't know much about snakes at all, except that snakes can be poisonous and that they (the people) are scared of snakes. Makes JC much more effective that way!

So now, you know JFK, and you know KFC, and you also know what JFC is!

[Spiritwolf]

This story is true. It was originally written in an email to my brother, with this admonishment as the first paragraph...
#1 Do NOT show this to Mom! Once you start reading, you will quickly see why I am "ordering" you NOT TO SHOW THIS TO HER!!! (My mother has always been terrified of snakes)

The below was the closing of the original story's email.

And now I'm also you abundantly clearly see why Mom must never know about JC's existence.
#1, she wouldn't appreciate the cuss words in the story or JC's name.
#2. You know how scared of snakes she is, I still remember how she went berserk on me when I was a little kid and put a fake snake in her bed (I doubt you remember it, but it was a very realistic looking dark rubber snake).

Update to the story
Since then, JC, her buddy LS (aka Little ****) and JC's 6 little snakelets (her way of paying me back maybe, they were born August 2 and on August 3 JC ate for the first time since I had found her!) happily reside as the reigning garter gang here.

JC also managed to awaken my interest in keeping snakes, which had been dormant since a very bad experience with trying to save ill snakes bought from a petshop years earlier.

As a result of JC and her gang, the garter gang no longer is the only garter gang here. Recently I welcomed the arrival of a new gang of 3 beautifully healthy red sided baby boys and another gang of two girls, a red sided baby girl and her watersnake sidekick. These beauties came from Scott Felzer and the odds are very likely that more garters will join the fun in the future!

[Odie]

ROFLMAO
What mom

[drache]

what a cool story
it's got some Grimm fairytale aspects
you know
young beauty in woods saved by snake
you've never tried kissing JFC, have you?

[Lori P]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I SOOO needed this this morning, you are a HOOT--- you need to publish that somewhere, it's SO well written!!!! TOO funny, just too funny-- thank you!!!!!

[Lulu Bennett]

i have to say that is one hell of a story you have there hun. you had me in kinks laughing with that lol

[GarterGuy]

LOL.....very good story! Coming from redneck roots, I totally understand the irrational fear factor of snakes, most of my family still think I'm nuts that I go out "hunting" for snakes. I agree with Rhea too, does sort of have a fairytale feel to it.

[Bay_area]

Why is it always Jesus? Why not ******* Muhammad or ******* Budha?

Funny story though, happens to me all the time, but with venomous snakes...LOL!

Maybe I should name this speckled Rattlesnake ******* Muhammad

[enigma200316]

Great story, very funny, and so well written, it grabs you and you have to finish reading..................

[Snaky]

Great story