That's Not Punny!!!

[Charlet_2007]

I've seen ALOT of arguing on here so in attempted to get everyone to have a good laugh and relax abit I'm posting a new joke every day.. You all can join in if you have a good belly roller lol.. All i ask is please leave the arguing at the door this post is ment to be pure ol' fun.. Thanks.. just realized i um posted in wrong section lol you can move it if you want lol..

That's not punny....

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[guidofatherof5]

Great. Just what I needed.

[adamanteus]

Very good, Natalie!:D

[reptile3]

Now that was FUNNY!!! Thanks Natalie, I sooooo needed it!!:)

[adamanteus]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something..... We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.' :D

[Charlet_2007]

Lmao!!!!!!

[Garter_Gertie]

Wonderful idea! I may have to print Natalie's list and send it around here at work. I love plays on words!

[ssssnakeluvr]

LOL!!!! funny!!!!!! :D


Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary??? It runs in your jeans.....

[Charlet_2007]

lmao and EWWWWWWWW:D:D:D:D

[mtolypetsupply]

One day, a guy was sitting on his couch, and heard a knock at the door. He answered it, looked all around, nobody there. He heard a knock again, looked around, nobody. One more knock at the door, he looked around, and finally looked down. All he saw was a snail.

"Ewww" he said, and picked it up and threw it into the vacant lot across the street.

10 years later, the same guy is sitting on his couch, and hears a knock at the door. He answers, looks all around, nobody, so he looks down. There's that same snail. The snail looks up at him and says,

"What the **** was that all about????"

[adamanteus]

That's excellent, Stephi!.... but it leaves me wondering.... what did the snail want first time he called?:D:rolleyes:

[Stefan-A]

Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired.

[ssssnakeluvr]

Confucius say man who farts in church sit in own pew....:rolleyes:

[reptile3]

OMG!!! you are all too funny. :D

[jitami]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

The little girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't
think my python weally gives a thit."

:D

[adamanteus]

Excellent!:D

[infernalis]

Tam, Very nice... Hmmm I wonder what inspired that;)

[jitami]

Cute, huh? Sent to me by my disabled, widowed uncle along with a bazillion others :)

Thanks Uncle Dave :D

[infernalis]

The coincidental timing to go along with the rabbit/python thread makes it better.

[jitami]

Yep :D Most of his go into their own folder, unread, but the title of that one was Wittle Wabbit which, thanks to Natalie & her little Hernia, immediately got my attention :)

[Charlet_2007]

little? HA i kind of wish she WAS little at times lol nah i love her the way she is GREAT joke by the way i laughed so hard i had to use the bathroom..

[Snake lover 3-25]

lol nice guys:D

[Garter_Gertie]

Tami, that was fabulous! I was totally NOT expecting the punch line! I GOTTA remember THAT one!

[infernalis]

One day last spring I was commuting to work when I noticed a small boy standing on the side of the road, apparently waiting for his school bus to pick him up.

Suddenly from out of nowhere an inconsiderate motorist sped by splashing water from a puddle all over the boy:eek:

This made the boy sad and angry all at the same time, ruining his whole day.

So I felt compelled to turn around and go back.......
















To splash him again:cool:

[Snake lover 3-25]

lol that's MEAN!!!!!!:p

[jitami]

But you still laughed...

[Snake lover 3-25]

yup :D

[Zephyr]

Hmm... I really don't have any set puns. Primarily one liners I pull off at school.
Such as...
*In Latin class.* Okay, I don't get this. It's like he's speaking Greek or something.
*In chemistry discuss refraction problems.* Okay, so from what angle are we gonna approach this?

X3

[reptile3]

I know not to wait for a bus or car, where there is a puddle...:p

yeah it was funny, but darn mean too!! LOL :D

[ssssnakeluvr]

If a ram is a sheep, and an *** is a mule.......how come a ram in the *** is a goose????????? :cool:

[Charlet_2007]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before
Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[drache]

very funny, Natalie
this may take me through the rest of the family event - thanks

[infernalis]

Thanks, I just smiled at my screen:D

[jitami]

Very cute Natalie! :)

[Charlet_2007]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise
the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He
would then arrange for the
child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

[infernalis]

My meatballs just shrank:rolleyes:

[ssssnakeluvr]

LOL!!!!! Laughed my arse off on that last one!!!!! :eek:

[guidofatherof5]

A couple were in the hospital awaiting their first child to be born. As the man's wife went into labor the Dr. asked the husband if he would volunteer to try a new machine he had just invented. The Dr. said it would make his wifes labor much more comfortable. He explained the machine transferred some of the labor pain from the wife to the father. Since the man was a loving husband and wanted to help, he agreed to try it. As his wife went into hard labor the Dr. set the machine on 10% transfer. The husband said he was doing okay and told the Dr. to turn it up. The Dr. set it at 25%. The husband said he was doing fine and his wife appeared to be much more comfortable. The husband told the Dr. to crank it up. Up to 75% it went. The man was feeling fine and requested 100%. The Dr. set the machine at 100%. The wife delivered the baby without any discomfort at all. The husband said that he felt fine and commented on how easy it was.
All seemed fine and the happy couple left the hospital with their new baby. They arrived home only to find the UPS driver dead in the driveway:)

[Charlet_2007]

oh crap lol :eek::eek::eek::eek:

[Snake lover 3-25]

i don't get it??????

[infernalis]

i don't get it??????

The ups driver was the real father;)

[Snake lover 3-25]

oooooooo lol i figured it was like a machine that he hooked up to the guy to transfer the pain lol

[guidofatherof5]

It was a machine hooked up to the husband but it transfered pain from the wife to the father. Since the husband wasn't the real father the joke is the UPS driver was the real father and was killed by the pain:) They always say when you have to explain the joke it must not have been very funny. Sorry! I'll try to do better.
Did you hear the one about!!!:rolleyes:

[Snake lover 3-25]

well lol it was funny once i got it:D

[infernalis]

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep as my father did,
Not screaming in horror like his passengers:eek:

[guidofatherof5]

A farmer wanted to get into pig farming so he purchased 3 sows. Of course, he need to get them bred and called his neighbor who had a boar. The neighbor told him to bring them up and drop them off in the field with the boar. After dropping them off he went to the neighbors house for some coffee. While at the house he asked how he would know if the process took. The neighbor told him after taking the sows home later he should check them in the morning. If they're rolling around in the grass the process took. If they're rolling around in the dirt it didn't. Next morning the farmer looked outside and saw the sows rolling around in the dirt. He called the neighbor and was told to drop them back off with the boar. He did so and after some coffee took his sows home once more. Next morning, they were rolling around in the dirt again. He dropped them back off with the boar and had some more coffee. The next morning the farmer had to be gone long before morning. Around dawn he called his wife and asked her to look outside to see what the sows were doing. He asked her whether they were rolling in the grass or in the dirt. The wife went and looked and returned to the phone. The impatient husband asked what they were doing? The wife said you won't believe it! Two of the sows are in the back of the pickup and the others honking the horn!:)

[ssssnakeluvr]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! love it!!!!

The Pope, a brilliant reporter, and a boy scout are on a plane. the plane developed engine trouble. the pilot came out and said the plane was going to crash and he had bad news....the plane only had 3 parachutes. he grabbed one and said that since he was the pilot he was required to report the crash to the authoriies and jumped out of the plane. the brilliant reporter said "this is big news!!! I gotta get this story to the editor!!" he grabbed one and jumped out of the plane. the Pope turned to the boy scout and said, "son, I have lived a full live and you still have your life ahead of you. you take the last parachute". teh boy scout turned to the Pope and said "no worries, the brilliant reporter took my backpack!"

[Stefan-A]

All seemed fine and the happy couple left the hospital with their new baby. They arrived home only to find the UPS driver dead in the driveway:)
How long had he been there? ;)

[drache]

a traveling salesman is going along a curvy country road in the evening, when suddenly on a short uphill right bend he is being passed on the outside by a three-legged chicken
of course he thinks he's seeing things, since it's been a long day, but when he sees the chicken disappear into a farmyard ahead, he decides to inquire
so he knocks on the door and the farmer comes out and he asks him, a bit hesitantly "Sir, is it possible that I just saw a three-legged chicken turn into your farmyard?"
the farmer says "yup, we're breedin' them"
the salesman says "why on earth would you breed a three-legged chicken?" and the farmer explains: "you see, mister, we're a three person household, and we all like the drum sticks, so whenever we have chicken, either one of us doesn't get a leg, or we have to make two chickens"
"so those three-legged chickens . . . do they taste like regular chicken?" asks the salesman
the farmer says "beats me, ain't never been able to catch one"

[guidofatherof5]

Stefan, Probably shortly after the pain became too much for him. As far as the actual lenght of time he was there, I'm not sure. I don't think it has much bearing on the punch line. Of course, this is just my opinion and not based on any scientific data or analysis.

[Stefan-A]

Stefan, Probably shortly after the pain became too much for him. As far as the actual lenght of time he was there, I'm not sure. I don't think it has much bearing on the punch line. Of course, this is just my opinion and not based on any scientific data or analysis.
You might be taking your jokes a bit too seriously.

[guidofatherof5]

:)No, just trying to help you out.

[Stefan-A]

:)No, just trying to help you out.
Would you care to elaborate a bit?

[Charlet_2007]

come on may i remind you that this is a fun thread no arguing here please.. thank you!:D:D:D

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well,"It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

13. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. And finally, there was the person who sent eighteen different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[infernalis]

Thank you Natalie.

I woke up kinda grumpy, not anymore;)

[Lori P]

ROFL!!!!! This thread was a great idea Natalie!!! LOVE this one!!!

12. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[guidofatherof5]

:)That's great

[drache]

thanks Natalie
I needed that

[jitami]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so,

I took her to a gas station.....

And that's how the fight started....

************************************************** *******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my

Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** *****************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

[adamanteus]

They're brilliant, Tami.... got any more?

[jitami]

prolly... lemme dig through my uncle's email folder...

[jitami]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amzing family tradition. It seems that his daddy, granddaddy and great-granddaddy had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal, Jim Bob, took a boat out to the middle of the lake where Bubba proceeded to step out the boat, and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother, "Granny," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why cain't I walk 'cross the lake like my Daddy, and his daddy, and his daddy before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfathe r were born in January and you were born in July, you dumbass."

[Stefan-A]

Brilliant stuff, Tami. :D

[jitami]

Thanks Stefan... but if I come across one more racist Obama joke in my uncle's folder I'm going to block him :D


Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------

Son: " Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

--------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humour."

[jitami]

OMG.. you'll not believe what I just found in my Dear Uncle's madness.... not sure which thread to add this to :D



Why do male Elk have long antlers????

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/jitami/Elk.jpg

It's a guy thing.... regardless of species...

[jitami]

THREE OLD MEN

'Sixty-five is the worst age to be,' said the 65-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 75-year-old. 'When you're seventy-five, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 85-year -old, 'Eighty-five is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 65-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 65-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 85?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

[guidofatherof5]

Great Joke!

[jitami]

Done for now... I've worked my way through his folder back to late October and it's all political crud...

[count dewclaw]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Lori P]

Omg that elk!!! Er, moose!! Er, cow!!! TOO FUNNY Tami, thanks--- I've been giggling madly for two pages now!

[infernalis]

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

[reptile3]

Tami that is priceless!!!:D


OMG.. you'll not believe what I just found in my Dear Uncle's madness.... not sure which thread to add this to :D



Why do male Elk have long antlers????

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/jitami/Elk.jpg

It's a guy thing.... regardless of species...

[reptile3]

Tami that is sooo freakin funny! thanks for the laugh!! I soooo needed it

[infernalis]

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.":eek:

[ssssnakeluvr]

a police officer who is short on his quota of tickets for the month decides hes gonna park across from the local bar and catch someone driving drunk to help catch up. he watches a guy go in...he thinks there's my sucker!!! four hours later the same guy staggers out of the bar. he walks up to a car, tries to put his key in the lock and it doesn't fit. he steps back, looks at the car, and walks around to the next car. again he tries the door and can't get the key to fit. puzzled, he goes to the next car. the key works this time and he falls in the car and passes out. the officer can't wait for him to start the car!!! all the other bar patrons come out, get in their cars, and leave. finally, the officer decides he's not waiting. he pulls up, grabs the guy up out of the car, and says he is gonna arrest him for driving under the influence of alcohol. he gives the man a breathalyzer test and it comes back 0.0. the officer is confused so he gives him the test again. again it comes out 0.0 he grabs the guy and says what the heck is going on here?!?!! I saw you go in the bar 4 hours ago, you come out so drunk you can't find your own carm, and when you do you pass out in the front seat. Now how in the world can you come up negative on the breathalyzer test????? that's easy the man says......tonite is my night to be the designated decoy!!!! :eek:

[ssssnakeluvr]

what do you call a cow with no legs???????



ground beef!!! :rolleyes:

[infernalis]

What do you call a cow that just aborted pregnancy?


Decalfinated:eek:


"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."



"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

[Charlet_2007]

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.

[infernalis]

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'"

"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."

[Charlet_2007]

OMG.. you'll not believe what I just found in my Dear Uncle's madness.... not sure which thread to add this to :D



Why do male Elk have long antlers????

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/jitami/Elk.jpg

It's a guy thing.... regardless of species...


Nothing like getting racked by your own rack... litterly lmao :eek::eek::D:D

[ssssnakeluvr]

I was at a neighbors house when I was in high school, best friend...we were playing football when the mail arrived.....big envelope for him from his grandparents on vacation...he was excited...he opened the envelope, huge glossy 8 x 10 photo of 2 elk.....breeding! LOL!! thought he was getting something else for sure...that photo reminded me of it... :eek:

[ssssnakeluvr]

James happy b-day thread reminded me of this joke....

Know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone????


you can't hear a vitamin :rolleyes:



how do you make a hormone?????



don't pay her :eek:




it's really hard for me to find jokes to put on here...most wouldn't be good for this forum..... :o

[jitami]

Oldies, but still cute :) I think 3 and 16 are my faves :)

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their
Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

[jitami]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each other outside the operating
room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in
here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four. They put you
to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I
had that done when I was born - Couldn't walk for a
year."

[jitami]

Ok, last one :) Fits in well with our hubby issues on another thread :)

HER DIARY:

Saturday night: I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for ****. Got laid though.

[Charlet_2007]

Ok, last one :) Fits in well with our hubby issues on another thread :)

HER DIARY:

Saturday night: I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for ****. Got laid though.


ROTFLMAO!!!!!! crap we need the little smile that falls on the floor laughing and rolling around lmao

[anji1971]

Since we're on the topic of comparing male/female...............

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Charlet_2007]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips (http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/bottle-red-bottle-white#) in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry (http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/installing-your-husband#) applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
***
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System (http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/installing-your-husband#).
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie (http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/installing-your-husband#) 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Charlet_2007]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Charlet_2007]

One and Done Liners...

A girl phoned me the other day and said.... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

One day as I came home early from work..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.... "Hey buddy .... Why are you doing that?" He said ...."Because you came home early."

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning.... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born.... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...... But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said ... "I don't know kid .... There are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

[infernalis]

Rodney Dangerfield:D

[Charlet_2007]

lol umm ok lol

[infernalis]

They are all "no respect" lines....:D

[Charlet_2007]

ahhh I must be to young lol

[infernalis]

It was on HBO within the last 2 years Natalie:D

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/r/rodney_dangerfield.html)


Not finding fault, please don't think that...

Any guess where my often stupid quotes are coming from??

[Charlet_2007]

oh yeah i remember now lol i got them in my email thought id share..

dekay nothing wrong with you lol.. you all good lol :D:D

[infernalis]

Glad you did:D

Yeah there's something wrong with me---- Once anything enters my head, it refuses to leave. Scary sometimes.

[Loren]

Rodney Dangerfield:D
I was thinking that too. :) Can hear him saying those things in my head as I read them. Funny.

[Charlet_2007]

It Happened Like This, See - Part One...

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

[jitami]

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I love this one :D Thanks for the giggles this morning Natalie :D

[Snake lover 3-25]

lol wow that's a lot of jokes!!!!! love them thanks:D

[gregmonsta]

Here's a diluted version of one of my favourites :D

A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting he'd grant them 3 wishes each "Bear, you go first" the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then asked for a motorbike." poof, two wishes left." " duh, " thought the bear, "rabbit could have just asked for money and then he could have bought his own motorbike" So bear then wished that all the bears except him in the next wood were female too. The rabbit then asked for a motorcycle helmet, put it on and kickstarted the engine. The bear was shocked at how thick the rabbit was being, he could have asked for more money and bought his own
" Rabbit, your last wish" the frog said. The rabbit said: "I wish the bear was gay", and drove off into the distance.

[ssssnakeluvr]

LOL!!!!!

A bear and a rabbit were in the local forest outhouse....both taking a poop )gotta use clean language...:D) the bear turned to the rabbit and asked if he had problems with poop sticking to his fur. the rabbit said no, so the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit!!! :eek:

[gregmonsta]

:D excellent :)

[Charlet_2007]

lmao lmao lmao :D:D:D:D

[Stefan-A]

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
It actually happened that way to someone I know. The car was standing still at a pedestrian crossing, a pedestrian started crossing the street, stopped by the car and suddenly threw himself onto the hood of the car, rolled off it and tried to claim that the car hit him. Unfortunately for him there were several witnesses. :rolleyes:

[infernalis]

Once upon a time there was a gloomy village just south of York called Trid.

Trid was a peaceful town with one single winding road that ended in the centre of town, surrounded by vast forests and rolling hills.

Once a week the town shopkeeper would have to trek into York for supplies, This task horrified the man for there was giant that lived in the hills who would sit patiently waiting for the shopkeeper to pass.

Each time as the shopkeeper would walk past the forest at the base of the hills the giant would run up from behind and kick the poor man into next week.

Having endured all he could take, the shopkeeper placed a sign in the window that read as follows. "Help wanted, Errand boy to fetch supplies from York, top pay offered"

The first person to reply was promptly sent to York with a list of items to procure, as the young lad passed through the forest at the base of the hills the giant ran up and kicked the lad just as he had the shopkeeper in the past.

When the battered and bruised young man returned, he said I quit! You don't posses enough money to get me to make that journey again.

This repeated several times until one day the people of Trid decided to enlist the help of a local Rabi who could hopefully reason with the giant and bring an end to this madness.

As the Rabi walked through the forest at the base of the hills, the giant appeared from nowhere as he has many times before, except this time he stopped dead in his tracks and allowed the Rabi to pass.

Confused and somewhat thankful, the Rabi turned to the giant and said why did you not kick me?

The giant said

"Silly Rabi kicks are for trids"

[guidofatherof5]

That was a long road, Wayne:)

[infernalis]

A friend Mick who lives in Sunderland UK told me that at a pub one night while I was visiting, It seemed a lot funnier when we were tanked on fine English lager.

[ssssnakeluvr]

a guy drinking at a bar and was talking to the bartender. he told the bartender he could pee more accurately than anyone in the area...he could hit a shot glass from 10 feet away and not spill a drop. the bartender told him he was full of it. the man insisted he was that good. so he bet teh bartender 100 bucks he could stand on the bar and pee in a shot glass on the other end of the bar. the bartender couldn't pass up the challenge, heck, whats a little pee, with drunks barfing in here. easy money he thought. You're on the bartender told him. the man climbed up on the bar while the bartender set up a shot glass. the man started peeing all over the bar never coming close to the shot glass!!! the bartender starts laughing and takes the 100 bucks. the man starts laughing at him. what's so funny, you just threw away a hundred bucks for nothing??? the man smiled and said yea, but I just bet my friends over at that table in the corner 500 bucks that I could get up here and pee all over your bar and you would just stand there and laugh!!! :cool:

[infernalis]

Now that's punny Don.

[jitami]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.



Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend

now that Grandpa went to heaven?"



Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me

feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV

as my boyfriend."


Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She

started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix

the problem.



The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.



The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"



The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."



The minister fainted.

[jitami]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible......anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either......

[jitami]

George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"


Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask **** Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "****, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!".

[drache]

a man comes into a bar and orders a beer
after planting himself on a bar stool, he puts on the bar counter a doll house sized grand piano, complete with bench and - a real life little guy in tails who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play the most amazing classical music
of course it only takes moments for everyone to gather around and exclaim over this unbelievable sight -"oohh" and "aahh", and the guy is just sort of sitting there
finally, someone asks him: "man this is fantastic, where did you get this thing?" and he answers: " there's a Djinn outside the building and he's giving out free wishes, but you have to speak very clearly, because he's hard of hearing
"how do you know?" asks one of the onlookers
he just gives him a withering look and says
"do you seriously think I'd ask for a six inch pianist?'

[brain]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible......anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either......

Now thas funny I don't care who you are:):):)
Lord please forgive me and bless them little pigmies in New Guinea

[Charlet_2007]

It Happened Like This, See - Part Two...

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

[Stefan-A]

YouTube - Nightwish-Fishmaster (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZthcZTx-oA)

[Charlet_2007]

WOW funny i like the back ground music tho lol ill have it stuck in my head all night now lol...:D:D:eek::eek:

[ssssnakeluvr]

the pastor in charge of a congregation of nuns called them all in for a meeting. I have some distressing news the pastor told the nuns. It seems that a pair of men's pants was found in the ladies rest room.
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues..also a pair of men's underwear were found in the bathroom..
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues...also a used condom was found in the bathroom!
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
but the pastor says, God shall punish the sinners!!!!!! there was a hole in the condom!!!!!

all the nuns went "hee hee hee" and one in the back gasped!!!!! :eek::D

[Charlet_2007]

the pastor in charge of a congregation of nuns called them all in for a meeting. I have some distressing news the pastor told the nuns. It seems that a pair of men's pants was found in the ladies rest room.
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues..also a pair of men's underwear were found in the bathroom..
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues...also a used condom was found in the bathroom!
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
but the pastor says, God shall punish the sinners!!!!!! there was a hole in the condom!!!!!

all the nuns went "hee hee hee" and one in the back gasped!!!!! :eek::D


lmao :D:D good stuff

[ssssnakeluvr]

I have lots of them......althto it takes a while to remember the clean ones...and clean some up....:eek:

[jitami]

LOL So far so good Don :D

[anji1971]

This is a wonderful thread! Very therapeutic..............;)
Tami, your "abstaining couple" joke had me rolling on the floor!!:D

[jitami]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[brain]

ROTFLMAO hahahaha now that’s a keeper

[deborahbroadus]

Here's a diluted version of one of my favourites :D

A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting he'd grant them 3 wishes each "Bear, you go first" the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then asked for a motorbike." poof, two wishes left." " duh, " thought the bear, "rabbit could have just asked for money and then he could have bought his own motorbike" So bear then wished that all the bears except him in the next wood were female too. The rabbit then asked for a motorcycle helmet, put it on and kickstarted the engine. The bear was shocked at how thick the rabbit was being, he could have asked for more money and bought his own
" Rabbit, your last wish" the frog said. The rabbit said: "I wish the bear was gay", and drove off into the distance.

Too funny!! Thanks for the laughs!:)

[deborahbroadus]

the pastor in charge of a congregation of nuns called them all in for a meeting. I have some distressing news the pastor told the nuns. It seems that a pair of men's pants was found in the ladies rest room.
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues..also a pair of men's underwear were found in the bathroom..
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
the pastor continues...also a used condom was found in the bathroom!
all the nuns gasped and one in the back went "hee hee hee"
but the pastor says, God shall punish the sinners!!!!!! there was a hole in the condom!!!!!

all the nuns went "hee hee hee" and one in the back gasped!!!!! :eek::D


LMAO..too funny!

[deborahbroadus]

One day last spring I was commuting to work when I noticed a small boy standing on the side of the road, apparently waiting for his school bus to pick him up.

Suddenly from out of nowhere an inconsiderate motorist sped by splashing water from a puddle all over the boy:eek:

This made the boy sad and angry all at the same time, ruining his whole day.

So I felt compelled to turn around and go back.......
















To splash him again:cool:

LMAO...totally was not expecting the punch line!:)

[Snake lover 3-25]

omg tami!!!!!:eek::D

[jitami]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get
through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get
through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are
again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power
went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need
to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in
the garage this time."

[kurtnagel]

A man entered a bar and was surprised to see a little girl sitting at the end of the bar with a fist full of dollar bills. He asked her what she was doing and she replied "Betting". He asked her what she was betting and she replied "I bet I can pee higher on the wall than you". Of course the man was incredulous and thought this would be an easy way to pay for his bar bill. So he said "Okay, I will take that bet and I will even let you go first"

The little girl hops of the stool lifts her skirt and proceed to let fly, of course barely hitting the wall. The man laughed and un-zipped ready for an easy win and just as he was lifting for better aim, the little girl wagged her finger and said "Uh Uh Uh, no hands!"

[kurtnagel]

What do gay deer do on their day off?















They go down to the Elks club and blow a few bucks...

[KITKAT]

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer.

"We don't serve bears here!" said the Bartender.

"Oh yeah?" said the bear, "If you don't give me a beer, I will eat that woman over there!"

"Sorry, but we still don't serve bears here." insisted the bartender.

So the bear went to the other end of the bar and mauled and ate the woman.

Police sirens instantly sounded. The police arrived and handcuffed the bear and told him he was under arrest.

"What's the charge?" asked the bear.

"Drugs." stated the officer.

"Drugs?" asked the bear incredulously.

"Yeah. You know that woman you ate?" queried the officer.

"Yeah" said the bear.

"Well, that was the Bar Bitch You Ate." finished the officer.

KIT

[Charlet_2007]

Special Christmas Carols...

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns
and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

[ssssnakeluvr]

how do you tell a snowman from a snowwoman?????


















snowballs :D:cool:

[Charlet_2007]

Rough Raffle Reward...

Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dic and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks,
when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle.

Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each.

When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dic was the winner of the second prize - a six month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"Me too," replied Dic.

"And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry groaned, "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper."

[ssssnakeluvr]

an old priest, a young priest, and a student studying to become a priest were going to the train station to go to Pittsburg. as they approached the ticket counter the student, wanting to show off, approaches the counter. a beautiful blond woman is working at the counter. she is bent over getting something from under the counter when the student approaches. she is wearing a low cut shirt on and no bra....the student can see right down her shirt!! he clears his throat and the girl stands up and asks if she can help him.
We'd like 3 pickets to Tittsburg and we'd like the change in nickels and dimes
the girl is shocked!!!! the young priest,who happened to also see down her shirt came up. he told the girl
We'd like 3 tickets to Pittsburg and we'd like the change in nipples and dimes
she is shocked again!!!
the old priest comes up, after also seeing what the other 2 saw, and scolds the 2. he then turns to the woman and says,
Ma'am, we would like 3 tickets to Pittsburg and we'd like the change in nickels and dimes. also, young lady, if you don't stop exposing yourself like this, St Finger is going to come down and shake his peter at you!

[brain]

st finger is going to come down and shake his peter at you!

rotflmo :d:d:d

[drache]

this went around for a while, but it's something that actually happened
the mother of a friend of mine was in that car

Four elderly ladies are travelling along the freeway in Marin County when they get stopped by a CHP (California Highway Patrol)
"Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"
"uh no, officer. I guess too fast, sorry. Now I suppose you want us to buy tickets to the policeman's ball"
"Ma'am, in Marin county the police don't have balls. May I please see your license and . . . "
the ladies in the car are starting to come apart from trying not to laugh
CHP turns red, gets back into CHP cruiser and drives off

[mtolypetsupply]

Two pieces of Rope ride into town on their horses and are thirsty, but the Saloons are notorious for not serving their kind around here. One Rope says to the other, "I'm going in, I'll give it a try." So the Rope walks in the Saloon, sits down, and orders two beers. Bartender says, "We don't serve Ropes around here."

The Rope goes back outside and tells his friend what happened. They're both sad and thirsty. The First Rope says, "I have an idea." He twists and contorts his body in a frantic effort, then pulls at his top end and bottom end. "There! NOW I'll get us some beers!"

He walks in, best he can, and asks the bartender for two beers. Bartender says, "Weren't you just in here? I told you we don't serve Ropes here, and you're a Rope!"

He says, "No sir, I'm afraid not."




All right, if you don't get it, just keep saying the last line until you do.

[infernalis]

I'm A Frayed Knot....

[Charlet_2007]

Guess That Song...

Can you guess the true titles of these seemingly alien Christmas songs? I'll post the real names of the songs tomorrow.. See how many you get right? :D

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs - Weather: Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

[anji1971]

These are great, Natalie!
I got them all pretty quickly, with the exception of #2. Must go and google the word "castaneous".......
OK, got it! Fun stuff.;)

[Charlet_2007]

well post them lol

[anji1971]

Oh, alright......... Here they are.:D
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon the Midnight Clear
6. O Come all ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Halls
9. The Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Clause is Coming to Town
14. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
15. What Child Is This?
16. Joy to the World
17. Let It Snow
18. Go Tell it On the Mountain
19.Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The 12 days of Christmas

[Charlet_2007]

1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire
3. All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. He came upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Halls
9. The Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go Tell it on the Mountain
16. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

[Charlet_2007]

Brave Captain Smith...

One fine day, Brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull & crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and the crew talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon TEN pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said "Bring me my brown pants."

[Charlet_2007]

Hey That's My Dad For Ya..

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 69). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Charlet_2007]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . .. . She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

[Charlet_2007]

never mind this one to risky lol un less you want me pm it to i can do that

[drache]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[prattypus]

Stupid lactose intolerance!~

[Charlet_2007]

Three Legged Pig...

A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, what's with your pig with only 3 legs?

Well, preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, I'm working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.

Well that's very commendable says the preacher..but..

That's not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.

I understand says the preacher, but that still doesn't explain the missing leg!

Well, like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.

[Charlet_2007]

Energy Drinking...

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger in Los Angeles.

It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up.

But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"I feel great!" replied Bill.

"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No..."

"Well, don't, because I'm in New York!"

[Charlet_2007]

WHY BOYS NEED PARENTS

This is for those mothers of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older. Or anyone else who needs a laugh…


1.) A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Hope you enjoyed!!!

[Charlet_2007]

Action Faction...

Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, "This is gonna be an action flick with a twist...all three leads will be famous musical composers."

After some thought all three stars agree it's a new concept for an action flick and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would like to play.

Bruce Willis pipes up first with "I've always wanted to play Mozart..."

"Great, great!", enthuses Scorscese, "What about you, Sly?"

Stallone thinks awhile and then says,"I've always liked Burt Baccarach's music, I'll be him."

"Wonderful, wonderful, Sly", says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says "And how about you, Arnie?"

Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and tutting turns to Scorscese and says.... "I'll be Bach."

[Charlet_2007]

Arrrrghhh...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "It was my first day with my hook."

[drache]

that's . . . . still laughing . . .

[Snake lover 3-25]

Rofl!!!!!:d

[brain]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...ooohhhh:eek::eek:

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...ooohhhh:eek::eek:

[Charlet_2007]

This One's for you Dekay Brown lol..

Silly Computer Acronyms...

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

[adamanteus]

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months




I like this one, so true of many things these days.

[Stefan-A]

DOS: Defective Operating System

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

Now those two aren't really fair. The DOS most commonly used was pretty non-defective and it took a decade to render CD-ROM obsolete. Nothing compared to floppy disks, though, they've been with us since 1984.

[adamanteus]

Now those two aren't really fair.

It's not meant to be fair Stefan, it's meant to be fun!:D

[Stefan-A]

It's not meant to be fair Stefan, it's meant to be fun!:D
Yeah, but it's only funny if it's true. :D

[adamanteus]

The one I've always liked is a genuine one...... TWAIN.:)

[Charlet_2007]

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign...

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

[NikkiSixx]

This One's for you Dekay Brown lol..

Silly Computer Acronyms...



MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


That wasn't very funny!!!:mad::D

[count dewclaw]

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign...


On a turf farm truck..."Instant grassification"

[guidofatherof5]

Natalie,

Your list put a smile on my face, thanks.

[Charlet_2007]

your welcome lol